made new.

There was a soft light peaking through the curtains, the rest of the room was dark and still. A faint muffle of the radio and the sound of deep sleeping baby breaths filled the air. And there she was. The woman in the mirror. I couldn't see the details of her face, I couldn't tell the color of her hair, nor could I see the distinction of the clothes she was wearing.

But somewhere between the rocking, the shuffling back and forth, the patting of backs, rubbing of eyes, and the calming shh's, my eyes caught a glimpse of the woman in the mirror. I had seen her millions of times before but something about her was different. A part of her was undiscovered, a part of her was made new.

A new she had never seen before. A new that quietly snuck into her open heart and settled in while she wasn't looking, a new that made its presence known only when she was able to distinguish that the new belonged to her.

The last few months for me have been ones of discovery. As a mom of two young children, so close in age, there are times when I have been beyond tired, completely overwhelmed, and super stressed, so much so that I've wondered how I would make it through the day. I would read articles written by faith-filled women on the gentleness of their motherhood and the joy in their spirit and as much as I could relate to them through all my better moments, believing they maintained their 'life is beautiful' mantra through all the 'shit hit the fan' moments was hard to believe. Are they never exhausted? Do they ever get frustrated with their kids? Do they never cry after a long day? Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But that's not the point. I didn't believe that this tender gentleness could belong to me...I'm a little rough around the edges when I'm frustrated and that's how I'll always be, end of story.

But I wanted to be more gentle. I wanted to be more patient. I wanted to be more joyous. I wanted to be happy. Especially in the chaos, through the headaches, among the tedious chores and repetitive tasks. And I wondered what, if anything, could I do to make this happen, to birth this 'happy about peeling potatoes person' from deep within my soul.

If I get easily agitated with schedules and hiccups in the day and simultaneous messes, what am I really frustrated about? Baby work is messy work, maybe the messiest. So why not rock the mess? Yeah, you can bitch about how tired you are or you could rock your tired. You could cry when your kids don't sleep, or you could rock out that extra hour and do something interesting with them since they're up anyway. What some parents would do for an extra hour with their kids.

If you live parenthood with the mindset of 'what can my kid do for me,' I can assure you your stress levels will be high and your frustrations will be frequent, because more often than not, they will not fit in your parameters. But if you live parenthood with an open heart of meeting children right where they're at, realizing there is a time and place for a stern tone, but they want to be spoken softly to just as much as you enjoy a comforting voice, then your agitation will sink and your love will rise.

I realized the other day, people do this all the time with children, with family, with friends, but especially with God. We yell at God, we demand of God, "God, you need to fit in my life, fit in my plans, fit in my wants, fit in my dreams"...and when He doesn't, we bitch, we complain, we cry rivers, we stop praying.

But what if life is about more than people doing for us and being for us? 'Can you do this for me?' 'Can you be this for me?' Rather than be all about me, I want to be attentive to you. Instead of asking God to fit in our perfectly planned out schedules, we can center our schedules on God, on the people we love. But it comes at an expense...a big one, the expense of ourselves, the sacrifice of me for you. I know, I know, it doesn't always feel good, but I can assure you there's more joy in a life filled with concern for others than a life focused solely on yourself. So stop whining, there's a light at the end of this tunnel, with every loss comes a gain. And if you need a reference, the cross is a pretty damn good one.

We can trade 'what can they do for us,' with 'what can we do for them.' We can swap out our inward tendencies for outward concerns. We can be less, so that He can be more. We can let Him make us new.

And that's what He will do, if we let Him. He will make us new. 

Many say happiness is a choice to be made, a choice to be happy, to be joyous, even when it's challenging. As true as that is, it's a much easier choice when you have faith on your side, when you pray for strength in your weakness, when you ask for grace for your imperfections, when you ask for love for your selfishness, when you see good in the struggle, when you feel purpose in the grind.

As that soft light peaked through the curtains, I could only see the shadow of the woman in the mirror. One who held a baby boy in her arms, while standing feet away from a little girl sleeping soundly after water slides, ice cream, and the summer sun ran her wild. The woman had tired arms from lifting babies and over-sized bags all morning, still rocking, patting, singing her boy to sleep. Her legs were heavy, they had chased, and danced, and jumped. And as many times as she had done all these things before, her outlook was new, her spirit was new, her heart was new.

Life is not all about us, life is not self serving. And when we live life that way, a dark loneliness will slowly consume us, for our hearts were not made for solitary love. And I don't know about you, but I want more for my life than what I'm able to give, I want more for my heart than a one-way street of love. For deep within my spirit, there is peace where anxiety lived, hope instead of despair, happiness and less frustration with myself and with others. For by the grace of God, that woman in the mirror was the fruit of prayer, "less me, God, more you," for prayer through His grace, can make all things new.

♥ photo by one of my favorite photographers, Marianne Greig

::

seventeen & eighteen.

She's eighteen months.

She's brought us joy, a joy like we've never know, for a year and a half.
After each other, she's the most serious relationship we've both ever had.
She introduced us to a love, 18 months ago, a love we could have never imagined.

Months 17 and 18 of hers have been full, full of activity, full of love.
This mama has been nesting and preparing for our family of 3 to meet its newest member and with end of summer activities and all that comes with preparing for new littles, our days have been full.

These past two months, in particular, have truly been something else for her.
Her vocabulary has almost doubled and she's learning something new every single day. It's the most incredible thing to watch. To witness a tiny person, a small child who has you completely smitten, discover her world for the first time and begin to connect the dots of understanding is like celebrating triumph after triumph, day after day. And watching her experience all of it, leaves you in awe at the beauty and wonder by which we are all created.

For 18 months, she's been our world.
And the three of us have had some pretty sweet adventures.
But sometime soon, within the next two weeks, a new little person will join our crew.
But before he shows up to play, I want this sweet 18 month old to know a few things...

I want her to know she's changed me, forever. I want her to know she's changed her daddy, too. I'm no longer the only woman he's completely captivated by. I want her to know I'll always cherish all of our "new" moments in the past 18 months, when mama was learning the ropes for the first time. I want her to know I've had so much fun being her best little friend and playmate and I will always, always, always remember our days spent alone together.

But I also want this 18 month old to know, she is going to be the best big sister. Yes, her baby brother will be crashing our daily dance parties but he will only add to the fun. He may get under her skin some days, but brothers are one of the best blessings the good Lord could give a sister...trust mama, I know. He will surprise you with the size of his love and he will teach you that your heart has no limits, especially when you love him despite his "little brother" tendencies that are sure to come with time.

Sweet pea,
You came into our world and brought a shimmer and shine that make even the stars jealous.
And soon, very soon, all of our worlds are about to get a little brighter.
Here's to 18 months and all that's yet to come.
Here's to radiating an even greater sparkle.

::

fifteen & sixteen.

 

months fifteen & sixteen, 

you've been colored on with lots of crayons. 

you've had naps in a big girl bed. 

you've met the words please and thank you. 

forks and spoons are finally being put to proper use. 

summer pool days, accompanied with arm floaties, are a favorite of yours. 

stickers, dancing, puzzles, blowing kisses, climbing up and down, mimicking mama, 

and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches 

fill your time.

not to mention, tantrums, sass, and a will like no other. 

I pray, pray, pray you use that will of yours to invoke love whenever you can...

because your strong determination, partnered with your inviting joy, will undoubtedly enlighten this world. 

months fifteen & sixteen, 

you've been great. really, really great. 

::

for all the days.

for all the days I wish you saw in yourself all that we see.

for all the days I don't tell you enough how wonderful a father you are.

for all the days I know how tired you were, yet you walked through the door with open arms.

for all the days I forget to mention how attractive you are as a daddy.

for all the days I can't even begin to imagine raising them without you.

for all the other 364 days in the year that aren't Father's Day, I pray you feel on those days too, 

how deeply cherished you are.

and for all the days I read this quote and can't believe how blessed we are to have a man like you, 

a man like this, 

in our lives.

Happy Father's Day, Joseph.

for today, as all the days, we hope you know
just how much we love you.

::

thirteen & fourteen.

And so, her toddler days begin. Days filled with just one nap, lots of running, exploring outside, sorting through piles of books just to get to her favorite, plopping down in laps with a book in hand waiting for a story to be read, holding onto a random item of choice for an extended period of time, mimicking mama with her mini wallet purse while pretending to talk on the phone or clean the floor with a dish towel, using new words like "uh-oh" and "baby" and saying "hi" to everyone who passes by, climbing on anything that will hold her weight, games of "come catch me" and "I see you," conquering stairs and walking up a slide as often as she requests to slide down one, unraveling toilet paper rolls and reorganizing bathroom cabinets, tearing through magazines and ripping up junk mail, attempting to sneak inside the dishwasher every time it's loaded, dragging around laundry baskets after lounging in them, and not to mention...lots of attitude and sass {I guess she's her mother's daughter}.

So much happened after baby girl's first birthday. Months thirteen & fourteen broke ground on uncharted territory. New milestones were hit...back, to back, to back...and new adjustments for mama and dada followed suit, accordingly. I feel like we're constantly adapting and growing, experiencing something new every single day. Whether it's a new word or a new aspect of our daughter's personality we've yet to see, each day seems to include something new.

Watching the wonder of a child, appreciating her excitement in every day things we consider mundane, has helped me cherish things that I, too often, take for granted. Baby girl won't always help me sort through the mail, or come searching for me when I leave the room, nor will she always be eager to help me unload the dishwasher {especially when she's old enough to really help}, but in this moment, right now, today, she's holding my hand, chasing me down the hall, and bringing me books that she wants me to read...and being something so big for someone so small, births a strong sense of purpose, one that is capable of intoxicating every inch of who you think you are and all you hope to be.

Here are some of my favorite pics from months thirteen & fourteen. The last set of three, we're particularly excited to share with you, as they capture a moment that made months thirteen & fourteen extra special for our family as we eagerly wait for baby #2.  

 

::

in bloom. {part 2}

I'm almost embarrassed that I'm one week short of being 5 months pregnant and I'm just now sharing news of my 2nd pregnancy. I could use the excuse that life is crazy (which it is...and I feel like I'm ALWAYS saying that...am I the only one who feels like their life is constantly go, go, go??? Please, someone, for the sake of my sanity say, "no"), or I could use the excuse that I've been really, really sick, pregnancy sick and sick otherwise with a few annoying viruses, or I could say that I just wasn't ready to write about things until now...and well, the truth is probably cuddling with all three of these lovely little conclusions.

My due date for baby #2 is at the end of September, giving Marabelle and her baby brother or sister 18 months between them. As great and wonderful as that will be for both of them growing up, as a parent and farely newer mama, I know enough to know that the first few months will not exactly be the easiest transition as our family of three adjusts to being a family of four. It's been really interesting trying to make sense of all my emotions in these last few months, juggling my mixed feelings while trying to separate hormones from reality...but thank God for Joseph because if you've ever tried to make sense of your own ramblings, then you've also learned to appreciate the listening ear of someone other than yourself and the calming peace they can bring to the chaos in your mind. And can I just say, what a fabulously wonderful peacemaker my husband is, really.

Even with our passion for the littlest among us, it's only natural to have some fear when it comes to baby raising. Marabelle loves her Daddy, but she's a teeny, tiny bit, of a Mama's girl...so with news of baby #2, I instantly thought of Marabelle and what this ultimately means for her. Baby girl and I spend our days together, so she has my attention almost 24/7. And a new baby/first sibling means shared attention between Mama and Daddy. But really, in the grand scheme of things, sharing her life with a little brother or sister is a pretty incredible thing. As a parent, you want the best for your child. So, even as scary as adjusting to two baby's sleep schedules seem, as emotional as knowing my days alone with Marabelle are kind of numbered, and as nerve-wrenching as worrying about effectively being able to teach two young babies how to share, my excitement for this kicking baby within me and being able to watch Marabelle kiss not just my belly, but hug, protect, and love her sibling, makes all these big thoughts in my head seem really quite small.

You know, love can be quite funny. As beautiful as it is, love can also be so intense sometimes and so demanding that doing things for love's sake can be intimidating, uncomfortable, and even scary. But the best thing about love is when you dedicate your lives to love and laying everything down again, and again, and again for those in your life by loving your God, your spouse/family, and your children more than you love yourself, all the challenges, like lack of sleep due to new babies, become secondary and not nearly as important as continuously striving to love and love well.

As baby girl shared our big news in her own sweet way last week, I was reminded of the most important truth of all. My growing belly is most certainly in bloom, but so is love. If we pause long enough to look around, we'll find love spreading despite the suffocating weeds of fear, we'll find love flourishing despite being apathetically overlooked, and we'll find love growing because love is always in bloom. Baby #2, we love you and we are more than thrilled to welcome you into this little family of ours. For every growing day of yours, our love for you grows, too.

p.s. big sister hopes you like the beach just as much as she does. ;)

::

just one.

Exactly a year ago, tonight, I experienced one of the most emotional nights of my life. I was 41 weeks pregnant and extremely anxious to give birth to our sweet daughter. Just like any good woman would, she made us wait for her. I stayed up all night crying, praying, begging, pleading, "...if I can have just one prayer answered tonight, please God, bring Marabelle into this world safely and if possible, soon and very soon." I just wanted to meet her, hold her, kiss her, protect her, and love her as best I could. I wanted to meet our sweet princess who's sparkle would reflect joy in ways we could never imagine.

Like any emotional mama, this week I've been busy driving down memory lane like a madwoman in denial that our baby girl is actually turning one on Friday. But after driving past all of the sweet hot spots, I realized so much could be said about just one year. Everyone tells you when you're about to become parents how your heart is about to explode with love like you've never imagined, and even if you can wrap your head around that concept, there's nothing like experiencing love's mega blast that happens when you hold your baby for the first time. Dynamite's got nothing on the explosive power of baby love, and when I say nothing, I mean nothing.

I'm filled with gratitude when I think back on all we've experienced in our daughter's first year. Not all moments have been easy, but even the most trying times were filled with grace. As a new mama, there were challenges I could have handled better, times when I let frustration win, times that I'm not proud of, and then there were those magical moments when I pleasantly surprised myself with how much and how strong I could fight for and protect someone, simply by loving them well.

In so many ways, it feels like this past year has sprinted past us but in just as many ways, its hard to imagine our life before her. With just one soft touch, with just one innocent coo, with just one contagious smile, with just one magnetic giggle, with just one sweet kiss, with just one beautiful little life, the world is forever changed. And with her determined spirit, her infectious joy, her piercing eyes, her outspoken nature, and her caring awareness, I trust God has big plans for this beautiful soul He's blessed us with nurturing.

Marabelle, sweet pea, before we ever met you, we knew we'd rock it out with you by our sides. Little did we know, how much just one year with you, would rock our worlds with love. And even though BabyCenter keeps telling us that your baby days are over and your toddler days have begun, you will always be our baby girl. Always.

♡These are some of my favorites from her first birthday shoot, taken by our good friend, Jackie. 

And the adorable flags in the background were made by Pretty Paper Parfait.

How yummy is this little princess? 

::

daddy's girl.

the first time he held her.

When I was falling in love with the Mr., one of the ways I knew I wanted to be his Mrs. was because of how I imagined him to be as a father. I must admit, what I pictured isn't even a fraction of who he actually is as her daddy.

Since the day she was born, we have done everything together, hand-in-hand, as a partnership and as a team. And as much as that means to me, I know it will mean THAT much more to her.

There's one thing that's for certain, not much in this world can compare to the exceptionable power and extraordinary magic that a father/daughter relationship is capable of creating. I love my Pop so much and cherish my relationship with him. His witness of our Heavenly Father's love has allowed us to share an openness that I am incredibly grateful for. And because I've experienced the wonderful connection we have, I couldn't be more excited for baby girl to continue discovering how special her superhero of a daddy truly is.

His example of how a man acts and how a man loves will continue to impact her life and her heart forever. She is safe in the strength of his arms, but most importantly in the faithfulness of his heart.

She loves you daddy, and so do I.

Happy 1st Father's Day!

My daddy makes me smile.

:: victoria marie

born bold.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was a young teenager and my dad, Pop, was talking about parenting. He told me that his dad, my grandfather, GrandPop, used to tell him that it was a challenging time for him and my GrandMom to be good parents. Pop explained to me that even though it may have been tasking for my grandparents generation, it was even more difficult for his and my mom's because of the competition they were up against...a society with a lack of morals, faith, family, and ultimately, love. And then he said it would be an even greater battle for me and my generation when I would one day be a parent. Once again, my father's wisdom set the stage for truth.

I'm not going to sugar coat this post so if the salt burns a little, I'm sorry, but I need to be bold.

As I mentioned in my confessions post, I'm enjoying American Idol this season, but tonight's episode upset me. Not because of who was sent home, I actually think the two remaining contestants deserve to be in the final. The reason why I was bothered had nothing to do with the competitors or the competition.

The show had clips of Scotty, as he went back to his hometown, and the video was full of humble, emotional, reflective moments of a young man realizing his dreams were coming true. It showed his immense love of family, hometown values, highschool bliss, and gratitude to the Man upstairs he owes it all to.

After such a precious and pure moment, they showed a live performance from Nicole Scherzinger and 50 Cent. And from one extreme to another, I was blindsided...not by the two performers themselves really, but more by what they represent. Ms. Scherzinger is physically beautiful, has a great voice, and is an incredible dancer, no doubt. But she doesn't have to be half-naked singing about sex to prove that. And I'm sure 50 Cent has musical talents of his own, but it wasn't really clear to me by his performance where those talents lie.

I love appreciating good music, good acting, good writing, good dancing, and good performing...because they all have the potential to inspire the masses. But all these half-naked performances debuting songs about grinding in the club inspires us to do what? Exactly that? Get naked, go out, and have "good" sex? Nice. I'm totally inspired.

It's actually more sad than upsetting. And the fact that young girls and young boys see this stuff all around them and this is the music that's inspiring them? Oye ve!

Pop was TOTALLY right. I, along with Joseph of course, have my work cut out for me. I alluded to this challenge when I started this blog with my hello world post, but being reminded if this reality is sometimes sad.

Ah well, with faith in our hearts and love as our inspiration, we will fight for baby girl to know where true talent lives so she can recognize it, as it inspires her to step outside of herself and dig within her heart to dream big, whatever those dreams may be.

.: I want her to know that no amount of make-up can make her beautiful when she already is.
.: I want her to know that no attention worth getting is attained with little or no clothing.
.: I want her to know that family values are by no means dead and I want her to know what it feels like to come home to a house with doors wide open, full of love.
.: I want her to know that she is better than ANYTHING that's ever happened to her father and me - and as per tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy...forgive me if I get all "Life-y," as Cristina accused Owen of while he was referring to their unborn child, but Marabelle has ALWAYS been Marabelle...despite her once microscopic size or undeveloped parts, she was always her - even in the making. All of us were never anyone or anything other than ourselves and I like to think that my life started when I first existed, no matter how small I may have been, but that's just me.

Bold.

.: And I want her to know that it's okay to be bold, because as I have learned from my favorite design programs on HGTV, bold = bright and if being bold means she will contrast with others, so be it. May she be boldly bright and beautiful and may she inspire others along the way to be the same. Amen.

:: victoria marie

confessions.

.: "Mommy Brain" is real and it has turned me into a forgetful mess. 
.: Baby laundry is never-ending because by the time I finish one load, another needs to be done.
.: Wasted time stresses me out, ergo my Facebook break.
.: After two months, I'm still really tired.
.: I've never respected single parents as much as I do now. 
.: I wish the only eating receptacles we owned were paper derived, so the dishes could never stack this high.
.: Time is way more fleeting as a parent.
.:  When I hear the word "parent," I still can't believe that pertains to me.
.: I suddenly understand my mom always saying how beautiful her kids are, because no baby is cuter than your own. 
.: I don't know how I would have survived these past two months without my God-sent husband.
.: Without the consolation of seasoned moms who have "been there and done that," I would have seriously debated my sanity on numerous occasions.
.: A mother's work is never done.
.:  I used to make fun of American Idol fans, now I'm one of them.
.: Sometimes all I want to do is stare at baby girl and ignore all else.
.: I wish I had an awesomely sweet expensive camera like other cool moms, but I don't.
.: I feel guilty when I don't send family and friends recent pictures of baby girl.
.: Breastfeeding hot flashes make me dread menopause.
.: I'm kind of obsessed with my kid.
.: Even though my time is slightly occupied, I wish I had more time to write on this blog.
.: Moms with multiple children seem like rockstars when you're still adjusting to one.
.: Yes, parents are thick skinned, but we're also incredibly sensitive.
.: I wish I had a better voice for prettier lullabies.
.: Even though I'm emotional when I reflect on baby girl's growth, I'm really excited for all the milestones she'll one day conquer.
.: And although parenthood has changed me in more ways than I have time to confess, I couldn't have imagined a more beautifully rewarding life-altering role.

Happy 2 Months, Marabelle

:: victoria marie

mustard seeds.

Quick post on the go...

At Panera Bread.
Baby girl crying in her car seat.
Pick her up to cuddle her.
See what looks like mustard on the sleeve of my sweater.
Say to my sister-in-law, "Yuck, I got mustard on my sleeve and I didn't even eat mustard."
Her response, "That's not mustard!"
Discover an explosion of you know what all down Marabelle's pants and now on my sweater.

Awesome.

Happy Friday, everyone! :)

:: victoria marie

hello world.

All because there’s no better time than the present.

I’m not quite sure why I’ve waited so long to do this, to start this, to type this, to engage in this ambition. Perhaps it’s many things, some that are logistical, others produced by fear. As my lovely husband likes to often remind me, true love casts out all fear - and there’s not much else more profound than this truth.

In an effort to preserve the wheel, rather than reinvent it, this post’s title is borrowed from one of Lady Antebellum’s most recent hits. A song which helps shed light on this busy world we oftentimes get caught up in. It’s a song that reminds us to take a second to reflect, to breathe, and to be grateful for all the hidden beauties we’re too consumed to see.

Whether the beauties are natural gems from the hands of the Creator, like the sounds of birds chirping every morning, or the hidden treasures and talents we all carry within the depths of our hearts. So often, both kinds of beautiful are bypassed. I hope for our world’s sake that more eyes are opened. I hope this not only for myself, my husband, and all my loved ones, but I mostly hope this for my sweet baby girl…soon to be born, Marabelle Victoria. I hope this primarily for her. For the world she will say “hello” to in a few days isn’t always beautiful, but it is most definitely filled with beauty. And mine and my husband’s job will be primarily to help her sort through the junk so she can see the beauty that so fully exists. Will it be easy? Haha, I’ll keep you posted…but I will venture to say, most definitely not. But, we will rock it out dancing, we will kneel it out praying, and we will hope it out leaning on Love - always remembering that Love alone is UNWAVERING and in the end, that’s all that matters.

:: victoria marie